I went to the Hopleaf tonight and read the New Yorker, one of my favorite things to do on a weekend night. I sometimes feel like going out for a few drinks but doing so by myself, and it's not often that I treat myself to the atmosphere of the small, dim main room of the bar's first floor. It's not often that I can find space at the bar to sit with the current issue of the magazine.
But the lame poet/writer boy was in town this weekend, and he left me a few wistful voice mails, to which I finally responded saying "yes, let's grab a drink. But I'm bust all weekend. You have Saturday night."
So I got home from the gym, talked to Jay (see next post), got through the shower and told him I was going to the Hopleaf and he should call when he made it back up north.
I had a marvelous time with my magazine and my beers (Allagash White, thanks), and by the time he finally called, I was dreading the hangout. Well, had been, but it seemed close and real at that point.
No worries, he ended up wimping out, so I escaped unscathed, albeit drunk.
As I shuffled home, plugged into the mpod, it dawned on me that I have no idea what I want. With life or with anything.
And this makes me ... not sad, but...bored. God, am I depressed?
*sigh*
Or just drunk? Both?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Grad School
I'm getting closer and closer to making some real decisions about my life. Whoa.
Last week, I made the commitment to beginning the grad school process in earnest. I've been looking, been thinking about it, but other than attending and info session and requesting a couple of info packets, I hadn't committed to anything. Not even the idea.
Last week I told myself that I would start grad school in January, if not sooner. I forget that as a student, I may not be able to handle 18 credit hours, a newspaper job, a retail job, an editor position and a fabulous social life, as I once did. Could I handle the demands of an MS OT in training, or the weight of writer's block and 60+ page weekly assignments? Which course of study was I even meant to begin?
Well, between OT and the English MA, OT won the battle, a sweet, momentary victory. Crafty, that OT. It got me psyched up enough to commit to grad school, then pulled the rug out from under me, by the numbers. After tears and real talks with my dad, I've bucked up... life throws me those curve balls (how is it that I did fine in college physics but couldn't pass high school algebra?), and after my time in Thailand, I've learned to just let go of desires and outcomes. If I can't do the OT program, then I'll pursue the M.A. If that's what's meant to be, then my mind has been made up for me. And really, I HAD asked the universe to help me out with that.
Amazing, the way life feels once a path is parted and deemed accessible. I don't know what will happen, for sure, with either of these programs, but I do know now that I'm more excited about grad school than I have been about anything else recently. And that says a lot.
Last week, I made the commitment to beginning the grad school process in earnest. I've been looking, been thinking about it, but other than attending and info session and requesting a couple of info packets, I hadn't committed to anything. Not even the idea.
Last week I told myself that I would start grad school in January, if not sooner. I forget that as a student, I may not be able to handle 18 credit hours, a newspaper job, a retail job, an editor position and a fabulous social life, as I once did. Could I handle the demands of an MS OT in training, or the weight of writer's block and 60+ page weekly assignments? Which course of study was I even meant to begin?
Well, between OT and the English MA, OT won the battle, a sweet, momentary victory. Crafty, that OT. It got me psyched up enough to commit to grad school, then pulled the rug out from under me, by the numbers. After tears and real talks with my dad, I've bucked up... life throws me those curve balls (how is it that I did fine in college physics but couldn't pass high school algebra?), and after my time in Thailand, I've learned to just let go of desires and outcomes. If I can't do the OT program, then I'll pursue the M.A. If that's what's meant to be, then my mind has been made up for me. And really, I HAD asked the universe to help me out with that.
Amazing, the way life feels once a path is parted and deemed accessible. I don't know what will happen, for sure, with either of these programs, but I do know now that I'm more excited about grad school than I have been about anything else recently. And that says a lot.
The dust settles?
"I have attached to me the dust of countless ages."
Pigpen has been my favorite Peanuts character since I was little. Don't know why, he just seems to have a lot of fun and not care about what others think. And as quoted above, he's got a good perspective on things too. My assumption for this is based on the fact that every time I've been as dirty as he always is, I've had fun getting that way. The dust around him never seems to settle... how exciting.
Now that I'm older and maybe a little less messy (MAYBE), I sort of feel like I haven't cooled my heels long enough for it to settle around me yet either.
But I think that time is coming. Soon.
I still want to get dirty and have fun and play in the mud, but I'm beginning to feel like there's less of a price tag and set of responsibilities on my life to govern the ways and times in which that happens. Maybe I've found that clarity I'm looking for, messy mind and life and all.
I still want to get dirty and have fun and play in the mud, but I'm beginning to feel like there's less of a price tag and set of responsibilities on my life to govern the ways and times in which that happens. Maybe I've found that clarity I'm looking for, messy mind and life and all.
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