Schoolhouse/rock

I just spent the last hour getting versed on the differences between "dating" and "seeing someone" and "hanging out" and just being "friends" and "leading someone on" and "shitting where I eat" and even "dinner."


I guess the rock I was living under did too good a job of shading me from the sun, since I didn't seem to know my head from my ass on this topic, and the sun would have been a pretty good indicator of "up."

Here's what I learned.

1. I can "hang out" with someone if he's not an adult. Or if she's a girl friend. Or even a woman I've made out with can now be "hung out" with. But I cannot simply "hang out" with someone who might like me, or I might like. That would be a "leading on" of said person. Or else he can't be an adult, because adults don't just "hang out." Apparently, other female friends can "hang out" with non-adults they're making out with and eat pizza with them, but I can't. Maybe when I'm older. But then I won't be an adult. What?

2. "Seeing someone" means you are having intimate relations, like eating pizza together and sharing hand-drawn pictures of each other's homes over discussions of showers. You might also be "sleeping together" at said homes," "making out," "giving head" or going to concerts with guitars and clowns. I got lost somewhere between the concert and the cotton candy stand though, so don't quote me on that.

3. "Dating someone is when you actually get to have "sex," which is something like inserting Tab A into slot B, except there's no bacon involved, and those cardboard bacon packaging slots are the only ones I'm familiar with. Near as I can tell, you begin "dating" someone after two weeks of eating pizza, sleeping together and giving or getting head. But not before. That's still just "seeing" each other. Maybe clarification comes in the shower? I should check.

4. If one of your "friends" invites you over for "dinner," you just might be going on a "date," unbeknownst to yourself. Those "friends" are sneaky bastards, they are. If that "dinner" is scallops and three other courses, it's a "date." If it's pizza and three other courses, it's just "hanging out." I had pizza and three other courses with these educators tonight, so that made it "hanging out." I had to check my notes at one point just to make sure I understood this concept. I think I do, but for next time I have to apply it in real life as part of my education.

5. "Leading someone on" is buying him a ticket to the circus and telling him there will be guitars. If the guitars are not present, I hope he notices the elephant's leash more than the one you're using, but I have no footnotes to reference.

6. "Shitting where you eat" should logically follow "dinner," but it has nothing to do with food. Unless you work in food services. Or the alley behind my apartment. This term refers to "dating" and/or "seeing" someone you work with at their home, the circus, a concert or in bed. Also not to be done with pizza, dinner or scallops, it means that you cannot spend time with this person at all, unless you are just "friends," or "hanging out." As far as I know, though, if you are just "hanging out" with your co-workers at work, you're going to get fired, and the whole thing becomes a moot point anyway, eradicating all boundaries and opening you up to all sorts of options.

And isn't that what we all want, anyway?

I mean, I want to eat pizza AND scallops AND bacon for breakfast AND maybe "dinner," too, with my adult friend whom I might or might not be interested in while we may or may not be at his house or in my bed. If I want to "see" him and not get or give head prior to "hanging out" with him in the shower, do I have to quit my job, and can I go to the bathroom after having sex without leading him on? Will the clowns have the guitars, or do the elephants play them?

I just want options. Doesn't everyone? I thought that was the beautiful thing about living in America and being cute and making it to 25 and having opinions and intellect. That's the thing about my rock. I didn't have things cut so crystal clear-as-mud then. I didn't know what I could have been doing wrong or missing out on, and under a rock, you'll take anything you can get. Now I want to explore the worthwhile options that come my way, in my own way. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not ready for another rock just yet, and all of this sounds like fun stuff to explore. Except for the "shiting where I eat" part. I already sleep where I eat (sort of) so that would make things all sorts of awkward for me at home, too.

Oh, and one last thing I missed the powerpoint on: I have no idea what "friends" are, but I know they are the sorts of assholes you CAN hang out with, share six courses of dinner and great conversation with (even while shitting), regardless of whether guitars or clowns or adults are even present.