The middle way

"I'm going to teach in Japan or Korea or something next year."

The comment came as a surprise in the shuttered light of the early morning, but then again, nothing was a surprise in this relationship.

"Asia? So... we should break up. I know you have a thing for the Asian girls." I'd been thinking of ending things anyway-- what timing.

What? Big steely blue eyes open wide in surprise.

"No, I..."

"No, really, we should. Go do your thing, live the life you want, without a girlfriend at home. I'd hate for you to have to think about me when you have the opportunity of a lifetime a world away. It's fine."

And that was that. But the conversation from earlier remained open. We'd been talking about doing some traveling together, taking some fabulous trip to South America or Indonesia or some exotic place far removed from the drabness of South Dakota and the misery of our lives there.

"So, if you're over there already, lets go travel when you're done. I'll meet you in Thailand, we'll see the country, then I'll go to Cambodia. It'll be fun?" I wasn't sure if I could still ask this question, pick my own cards and then play them too.

"Really? Really? You want to do that? Yeah, that sounds awesome, dude! Yeah!"

Ok, "dude"- the official term of affection still applied. I was still cool. Good.

The conversation we'd been having for weeks remained open, and if all went well over the next few years, I'd have a friend to traipse around Thailand with. Would this "middle way" of having a friendship with a past lover maintain, or get too weird? I knew the friendship would be fine, as I stay friends with most ex's, but this might be different, especially if we thought we'd still travel together at some point. And to a place as lush and diverse as Thailand.

That conversation has remained open, and as my ex and I have gone off from South Dakota to do our own things-- he in Korea, me in Chicago-- we've managed to maintain a long-distance friendship that's been the best sort of relationship for us at this time in our lives.

"Chicago's going to be so good for you, there's options there and room for you. Here, it's... stupid," he had said to me, the last time we talked before I moved. "You're going to love it."

And I have. Probably more than he loves Korea, but likewise, that's been good for him, the right place at the right time to make him grow up and do things on his own. Change is good.

But now, what began three ( or was it only two?) years ago, is finally coming to fruition in the form of that oft-dreamed of trip to Thailand. Change hasn't happened there; I haven't changed my mind on it, have been dreaming of it and talking about it since I moved to the Windy City.I have held on to the idea of real Thai food and gorgeous beaches and all the history I can handle, but I do wonder a bit if change would do me good in that too, if giving up on it would be a wiser decision. Right now though, my mind is made up. All that's left to do is buy my ticket (once I know he's got his) and pack my bags. And for that, there is time. There is always time, with the middle way.

But will those beaches and decadence allow me to maintain this patience, this nuetrality? For this, too, I must wait and see. Even if it had been a couple of years, complete with change, I still know me.