This is Why I don't date

When I first started dating Sean, he told me about the Valentine’s day décor at White Castle (the miniburger hambuger shop, made famous in the movie of the almost same name), and I thought “hell, if this guy is still in the picture come Vday, I hope we get to do this.” It was one of the things that made me smile inside (ugh, did I just write that?) when I thought about him as a potential boyfriend.
Apparently, the place does a nice checkered tablecloth-with-candle table experience. It sounds like the perfect place to do a “holiday” that’s all hype and expense with someone you dork around with and kind of dig. I'm all about low-key hangouts, and it sounded pretty much perfect. In theory.
I haven’t really been thinking about the fact that February is coming up, but as I browsed through the new Reader’s Digest last night (the feb. issue) I was reminded of its arrival (and my White Castle dreams). There was an article in the magazine about eharmony.com, and its founder, Neil Clark Warren. The owner of the dating website said that he based couple’s success in a relationship on “curiosity, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, sense of humor, anger management, self-perception, spirituality and values.” The more people’s picks in these categories match up, the more likely they are to be compatible.
My friend Sheila calls it levels of differentiation, and she’s saying that if people have the same level of need or not-need in a certain area and can complement each other in opposite areas, they’re a match. She’s the same friend that listens to me bitch about Sean, wonder over his actions and fawn over his cuteness. I think both she and Dr. Warren are right, but all the clinical data in the world can’t give me the answers I’m looking for with this guy. Only time and experience will do that, and I’m not sure how much of one or the other I’m willing to devote to finding out when I feel like I need to know Right.Now. For the most part, things are good, in theory. But after spending the past few days around my niece and her still-new (four months)boyfriend, I spent all night thinking about my own new relationship.
The two of them are goofy and boisterous, and he’s completely ready to dote on her hand and foot. It’s cute to see, and I’m totally happy for them. I think she needs to be the brighter star, and I’m happy that she’s finding that. And I’m thankful that I got to watch a part of it, because it gives me plenty to think about, but I don’t know if it’s fair to compare their life to my own. While I certainly want to be the brighter star, I’m kind of ok not being it right now. I like being doted upon, but too much drives me crazy (although a little more in this case would be ok). I live in Chicago; she’s happy commuting between a town of 400 people and one of 40,000 to see Rick. She’s younger than me and can still be as goofy as she is; Sean and I have more going on in our fast-paced world, and thus, I think, are more serious and practical. The life she and Rick aspire to (separately for sure, maybe even together) is way different from what I want (independently or with whomever finally makes me happy), so there’s no way to look at them and fit myself into their mold. But from the outside, they seem totally happy with each other. I wonder what observers who know me well say about us (and then I’m reminded we generally hang out with his friends, hmm..).
Aside from looking at another relationship in relation to my own, what about all the quirks and qualities of it that make it entirely unlike anyone else’s? I was talking to my dad about it and he told me that there’s no changing the man, I’ve got to decide if I can deal with what I don’t like, or if it’s too big to surmount. Sean's schedule of long hours at work is “better than dealing with an alcoholic who’s going to beat you,” he says. Gee, thanks dad…
Duh, I know my dad is right; all of the questions that keep swirling around in my head are ones that are as old as (sexy)time itself, and I know there’s no end to them until I make up my mind about this guy, and that’s been the challenge from day one here, and I’m not coming up with any answers. I continue to hang out with him though, so I feel like I need to put up or shut up. But there hasn’t been anything entirely black and white in terms of actions that I just can’t take, and I’m not sure what those actions might be. I know all things take time to determine in the world of dating, but sometimes, I feel like if there’s this much doubt,this early on, I don’t want to stick around to find out just what that final straw would be. I’m afraid it’ll be something serious, like losing my dad or undergoing some more serious health shit. And either way, I’d rather just not have to deal with it in either of those times.