Amen(ds)

"Marcella?"
His voice is low and rolling, like a dark blue thundercloud over the plains.
I haven't heard it in months, almost a year. So when the man on the phone asks for me in his signature, soft tone, I'm genuinely surprised. I hadn't recognized the area code, but certainly hadn't expected him.
"Hey. It's Ryan."
As if I couldn't tell.
At its best, that voice had been full of promise and potential, like an much-needed storm cloud blown clear and harmlessly over a field after mosturizing soft green growth. At its worst, it accompanied the whirlwind of destruction and worry that being with Ryan sometimes meant. We dated last year, and when I ended things in June, after one chaotic trip too many, I didn't think I'd ever hear his rich voice again.
"Yeah, I know, Ryan. Hi. What's, uh, what's up?"
I had nothing to say and wasn't quite sure where this was headed. When I last talked to my wide-eyed hippie farmer boy, we had been fighting, about his drinking and the destruction of my apartment and the paint all over the floor. I had told him I couldn't handle it anymore, and that his crazy-ass trips to Chicago need not include me anymore.
It wasn't a pretty way, or a nice way to end things, especially with someone I had really wanted in my life as "the one."
But the universe had other things in mind, and so as I waited the half-second for his reply, I mulled over what they could be.
"I'm going to a meditation retreat up by Chicago, and I was wondering, if you'll be around, if you want to hang out. I feel like... well, I feel like I have amends to make with you."
Amends. One of the steps of AA, one of the steps of NA. One of the steps he'd planted his foot upon before.
"Yeah, I'll be around. But you don't have to make amends with me. Make them with yourself, and you'll have made them with me," I told him.
We talked, and about an hour later, decided that meeting up would definitely work, as long as things were calm and steady. Granted, I wouldn't know how to deal with him in that manner, but it was a necessary requirement. After vowing this, and telling me all the ways in which his life had changed, we got off the phone. And then I waited, looking forward to today, wondering what it would bring.

He teaches me, all the time. It's what drew me to him in the first place. When we were together, I had hoped that he could "be the one," because he made me a better person, made me want to do good things and strive for real peace and beauty. You know how some people are good influences, and bring out the best in each other? Or the worst? He brought out the best in me, but unfortunately, I brought out the worst in him. For some reason.
Time "spent" with me was time spent at Goose Island, the brewery I had introduced him to, or Piece, the other brewery I had shared with him. I knew he liked to drink (at that time, as much as me), but I didn't realize that unlike me, he couldn't just shut it off after a couple of beers and bad days. I made life harder for him in that way, during his visits here, but he helped me see my weak spots, and was one of the people on the path to help me seek inner resolve. Even with having to deal his drunk, belligerent ass, I still got the better end of the stick, long-term, I think.
And today he continued to share his subtle lessons with me.
When he called me at 7 am to ask directions from some street I'd never heard of to my street, and didn't even know if he was in Chicago, I sighed and shoved my head back under the brown pillows.

"Fuck. He's going to be a wreck again, as always. Why did I agree to see him?" I thought with dark, rolled eyes. Upon waking a bit, I decided to not be such a bitch and map quest the roads and help him out. After a couple of hours of directions and panicked follow-up calls, I was severely cranky, behind in my job application work, and ready to yell at him when he did arrive. But I bit my tongue instead, and told him to meet me at a local coffee shop when I got done with the work I had to do.
By noon we had settled down to pecan sticky buns and cinnamon rolls, and conversation over hot cups of tea and cocoa. And I was thankful for the presence of mind to bite my tongue earlier.
It's been an interesting month or so for me, what with all of the ex business that keeps popping up, but there is a reason I have all these exs as friends I guess. They are incredible people ( I mean c'mon, I DID pick them to date, after all, for some reasons), and I consider myself blessed to have them in my life now, safely at the distance they are.
We hung out at Target, goofing in the aisles and playing with the gardening stuff and the candle accessories. I even got a new camera to document the trip. And at the end of the day, when it was time for him to meet his ride-share partner and move on to the the ten-day silence, we parted on good terms, with more dirt on each other than many married people (and still just friends, phew).
And today he also taught me about patience and reminded me that it's something to continue working on. How many times have I been lost on the roads of Chicago? Do I want a more knowledgeable friend to blow me off or belittle me next time its me (because I'm sure its coming)? 'Course not. I did, however, also note that my inability to deal with people I expect independence and responsibility from is much higher with him than others. Will be thinking on that one for a while, but am sure it's because it's been shattered so many times with him.
And the other thing I began to believe today, from his example, is that things work themselves out, if you just give them time. Being with a person is a day-by-day process. It's not about tomorrow or next week or next year. All good to consider, but first, it's about getting through just one day with that person.
And we had one nice day.

I'm grateful that he made the effort to stop and mend things. And I hope that he can keep truckin' on the path he's on. If we managed to make it through one day of solid peace and respect for each other, I have hope that it's because he's managed to find some peace and respect within.