You know that feeling you get when eja vu hits, like your brain goes squishing into the back of your skull along with all sense of time while you stand sort of rooted in the moment and maybe kind of jittery? I just had that feeling, except not with deja vu. With having just REALLY learned something about myself.
I am a total comitaphobe.
One of my best friends agreed a bit too seriously with me on this, the other day when I offhandedly suggested that I was afraid of commitment. I was talking about my desire for a real relationship and how to me, that conflicts with the idea of freedom. So I turned to my other trusted friend... thank you wikipdedia.com for the following. This whole loss of freedom thing, which I though summed up the whole problem I have, is part of it, but I guess it's even more than that.
"The key to understanding commitment phobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear -- fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment-phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape."
Yowza.
I know I hate being left with no options, no out. In any part of my life. While other people my age are out dating around, I'm the one going "nope, not good enough, not even gonna try. Nope, too dull, too dumb, too.. whatever." It sounds like I'm supposed to be doing all this sleeping around right now and experimenting with all these random people instead of worrying about whether or not the guy I'm with is good enough to buy a new cookbook with. But I'm not in that place anymore. *ha* yeah, I know, I'm only 25. But I feel like I've already lived lifetimes. I grew up around old people and have always been old for my age. I've already slept around and dated enough guys to know what I like and what I don't like. I've been to all the honeymoon spots and in all of the best friend's weddings and have the godson and nieces and nephews and aged parents. I don't want to be settled down right now because I'm not done with the exotic vacations and I don't want the responsibility of all this other stuff, but I mostly don't want it because I'm afraid of establishing some kind of life and then getting bored with it and needing to uproot it all and go and break someone's heart.
And because the kinds of guys I date are the same way, I guess I'm more afraid of them doing that to me. Hell, that said, I'm a kookier nut that I even knew before.
"To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations."
What? Me? Never...
But see, there's a reason I act this way. Knowing I'm crazy means I have to keep jumping ship because I'll never know what's real and good and true. So I gotta stay one step ahead of myself. Now I sound like I belong in "Fight Club."
"In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes 'settling' for inappropriate partners..."
I know that I run the risk of this, so I just gotta keep moving on. Right? Oh, what a fine kettle of fish this is. Hey, wait, isn't there some reference to all the other fish in the sea? Who hoo!!
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