Reverse psychology

"So what do you want?" is a question I found myself asking a friend the other night when she told me she couldn't find the right job, partner, etc., etc.

I have no judgement, because it's a question I'm often asking myself these days too, one that I seem to come closer and closer to answering with each interrogation of self. But the thing is, I've been brutally honest with myself in trying to answer it, brutally picky about it, and way too interested in all of the wrong things in making my choice.

Tonight, when I asked Jay what he thought about me staying here, and I told him about the house I was going to be in, a complete bohemian crashpad, he reminded me to focus on the book. He reminded me that I don't like living with other people, let alone three or more. And he reminded me why it is that I considered moving out to California to be with him almost immediately after he asked me the first time.

This hasn't come without hassle, however, and I've actually been really in tune to what my body has been telling me with each guy I meet and hang out with lately. God, I'm going to say it... For all of the stuff that worries me about Jay or makes me think twice, these other guys can't even compete with everything that is right about him.

In this choice, as in other important ones, only by making mistakes and taking chances have I found what it is I don't want, and I believe that it is this knowledge that is perhaps easier to understand and hold onto when making choices and understanding what I do want and what is important.

Having determined that traveling and writing and writing about traveling, or "triting" as a friend mistakenly called it, is what I am going to do with myself, I no longer feel like I have to find "the" career right now. If that means I have to teach to do it, so be it. Eventually I will.

January, the MFA, that's all fallen into place. It was just this one last piece I was trying to fit in somehow. And I was worried about it not fitting to my specifications, but when I brought up the whole thing with Jay tonight, he sorted it out and pressed the last part in place with the assurance I needed.

All of this decision making feels good, and if has come at the price of a lot of uncertainty and bored friends and mindless repetition of the same worrisome problem, well, at least it is finally over. And even if I've gone about it the wrong way, I have also finally decided on where I'll be living in a month.

I'm going home to Nebraska for two weeks. Fishing, catching up with friends, maybe even some canning if the garden delights are ready for it. Jay will be out there too, and he's down to hang out with my dad... holy shit. I can't wait. Honestly. And after that, after the two weeks of down time at home, I'm... gulp... off to California.

Making a decision feels almost as good as the certainty that comes with knowing it's the right one.