The existence of something bigger

Vibrant pigments and glowing landcapes like this are common in Nebraska at night, and on my last evening at

home, this is what the sunset started out like. We were about 20 miles from home, but the views out there on the open plains are all the same. It's just the foreground scenery that makes a difference. As it does anywhere, really.

I have watched the sun set into the sandy dunes of Egypt; I've seen it slip languidly into the cooling blues of the Alaskan ocean.

But nothing has ever topped my Nebraska sunsets, and as the prairie grasses ate up the sun and my visit with my family came to a close, I was so in awe of the spectacular ending to the trip that I couldn't talk.

We spent the rest of the drive home in silence, and upon arrival, I bailed out of the car and stared up at the pinholes of (now white) light sparkling in the night sky, like I've done every time I get home at night for the past 25 years. Whatever your theory is on our existence, you can't tell me there's not somehing bigger than us up there.

Ring's a round and rosy

“Oh god, my ring.”
There it was, translucent and obvious and out on the sheets for all the world to see.
Ok, it wasn’t all the world, it was just me and the boy, but still, it was clearly not where it was supposed to be. Oo. What would he say?
“You’re right. It does, uh, look like one of those glow-stick bracelet things.”

Now, my thoughts on birth control are that if you’re comfortable enough with somebody to see them naked and likewise share your self, then you should be comfortable enough to discus birth control options with them and deal with the facts of life that come along with preventing it.
Sean and I had discussed my preferred choice of birth control before I got on it again, but I wasn’t quite sure how he was going to feel if he a) felt it and b) if he saw it out of its natural environment.
“Do you have to, uh, do something with it?” he asked, looking at it with some curiosity, as if it were an eyelash curler.

After all, the NuVa Ring form of birth control is a small (maybe 2 inches?) in diameter ring of tubular plastic. Not tubular like the 80s, but tubular, like, well, one of those glow-stick bracelets we all wore in the 80s (it is pretty awesome though).
It’s obviously not like the patch, in that it doesn't stick to your body, and it’s not like the pill, because you don’t ingest it, but it does, in fact, nestle up inside ya.
Yep, that’s right. It’s like using an ob. Tampon except easier and much cleaner.
I decided on this form of birth control a couple of years ago, because it’s so low dose and so convenient. In that time, I’ve only had one other experience like this, and that boyfriend didn’t complain or get weird about it, but people are funny about sex and its accoutrements.
Not me.
appreciating Sean’s look of nonchalant interest, I scooped it up and rinsed it off in the bathroom. Thankfully, it was all over but the um, shouting by this point, so its appearance didn’t interrupt the mood.
And actually, the shouting had already happened too…

This is Why I don't date

When I first started dating Sean, he told me about the Valentine’s day décor at White Castle (the miniburger hambuger shop, made famous in the movie of the almost same name), and I thought “hell, if this guy is still in the picture come Vday, I hope we get to do this.” It was one of the things that made me smile inside (ugh, did I just write that?) when I thought about him as a potential boyfriend.
Apparently, the place does a nice checkered tablecloth-with-candle table experience. It sounds like the perfect place to do a “holiday” that’s all hype and expense with someone you dork around with and kind of dig. I'm all about low-key hangouts, and it sounded pretty much perfect. In theory.
I haven’t really been thinking about the fact that February is coming up, but as I browsed through the new Reader’s Digest last night (the feb. issue) I was reminded of its arrival (and my White Castle dreams). There was an article in the magazine about eharmony.com, and its founder, Neil Clark Warren. The owner of the dating website said that he based couple’s success in a relationship on “curiosity, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, sense of humor, anger management, self-perception, spirituality and values.” The more people’s picks in these categories match up, the more likely they are to be compatible.
My friend Sheila calls it levels of differentiation, and she’s saying that if people have the same level of need or not-need in a certain area and can complement each other in opposite areas, they’re a match. She’s the same friend that listens to me bitch about Sean, wonder over his actions and fawn over his cuteness. I think both she and Dr. Warren are right, but all the clinical data in the world can’t give me the answers I’m looking for with this guy. Only time and experience will do that, and I’m not sure how much of one or the other I’m willing to devote to finding out when I feel like I need to know Right.Now. For the most part, things are good, in theory. But after spending the past few days around my niece and her still-new (four months)boyfriend, I spent all night thinking about my own new relationship.
The two of them are goofy and boisterous, and he’s completely ready to dote on her hand and foot. It’s cute to see, and I’m totally happy for them. I think she needs to be the brighter star, and I’m happy that she’s finding that. And I’m thankful that I got to watch a part of it, because it gives me plenty to think about, but I don’t know if it’s fair to compare their life to my own. While I certainly want to be the brighter star, I’m kind of ok not being it right now. I like being doted upon, but too much drives me crazy (although a little more in this case would be ok). I live in Chicago; she’s happy commuting between a town of 400 people and one of 40,000 to see Rick. She’s younger than me and can still be as goofy as she is; Sean and I have more going on in our fast-paced world, and thus, I think, are more serious and practical. The life she and Rick aspire to (separately for sure, maybe even together) is way different from what I want (independently or with whomever finally makes me happy), so there’s no way to look at them and fit myself into their mold. But from the outside, they seem totally happy with each other. I wonder what observers who know me well say about us (and then I’m reminded we generally hang out with his friends, hmm..).
Aside from looking at another relationship in relation to my own, what about all the quirks and qualities of it that make it entirely unlike anyone else’s? I was talking to my dad about it and he told me that there’s no changing the man, I’ve got to decide if I can deal with what I don’t like, or if it’s too big to surmount. Sean's schedule of long hours at work is “better than dealing with an alcoholic who’s going to beat you,” he says. Gee, thanks dad…
Duh, I know my dad is right; all of the questions that keep swirling around in my head are ones that are as old as (sexy)time itself, and I know there’s no end to them until I make up my mind about this guy, and that’s been the challenge from day one here, and I’m not coming up with any answers. I continue to hang out with him though, so I feel like I need to put up or shut up. But there hasn’t been anything entirely black and white in terms of actions that I just can’t take, and I’m not sure what those actions might be. I know all things take time to determine in the world of dating, but sometimes, I feel like if there’s this much doubt,this early on, I don’t want to stick around to find out just what that final straw would be. I’m afraid it’ll be something serious, like losing my dad or undergoing some more serious health shit. And either way, I’d rather just not have to deal with it in either of those times.